Bear With Me

Posted on May 9, 2013 by

As most know, my grandparents are aging and at 81 there are more bad days than good. We, Mom and I (as caregivers), are at a point where we think we finally have a plan in place and then BOOM, we find ourselves a few steps behind. The past couple of weeks have been particularlly difficult with the end of last week sending me near my breaking point. We finally have regular care for one, but my grandpa has really been struggling. I’m not sure what is going on exactly, but it has been rough.

His words have been like knives and he is just so weak. After one doctor visit and 3 ER visits in 4 days, he was admitted to the hospital and is now back in nursing and rehab, where he can get medicine and therapy. If that wasn’t enough, I also had one with Croup. It was a fairly viscious case, at least for him. Now that the baby is better and Grandpa is being taken care of, once again, we feel we have a plan in place and are up to speed. It has been such a rough couple of weeks, that I welcome the reprieve and hope it continues.

Of course, with my near every waking moment being spent with one or the other grandparents, I haven’t had time to go to the store, or cook, or put my kids to bed, or write anything more than a to do list. And, when I was home, the emotional exhaustion was almost more than I could take. Getting out of bed and moving has been as much of a challenge as I want to take on.

I am itching to write (since I am about a week behind on motivational thoughts and nearly 4 weeks behind the dating post), but it just hasn’t been in the cards for me. I hate to mention the calm because I don’t feel like calling for a storm, but if things continue the way they are I will be writing again by Friday night. I need to spend tomorrow doing some major catch up around the house and with my kids. Friday is writing day (I hope). I would love to catch up on everything. Again, I am hoping not to jinx it.

I wanted to let  you all know that I haven’t abandoned anyone. I read your blogs when I can, or at least little pieces before I get sidetracked. This almost never ending barage of sickness, mishaps, and surprises have just kept me away. With any luck at all, things will remain rather level, at least for awhile. I know I have a lot to catch up on: comments and posts. I haven’t run away, please don’t leave me.

From the looks of my stats, you all are coming back and hanging out, even when I can’t. Thanks for that–it means a lot to me. Check back Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I will have no content here. I also am writing a blog about my grandparents. It is more to vent or record events. I expect I will publish it, but haven’t decided exactly when–soon I think.

I would like to put it out there, no matter how difficult, because it has been hard for us to navigate these muddy waters, in spite of my social work degree, my experience from hospital social work, and my EMT knowledge. It’s a whole new fuzzy ballgame when its your own personal experiences. I can’t imagine how people do it when they have no prior knowledge. If I could save one person a headache or a step backwards in this process, it might be a worthwhile adventure.

Hang tight. I will be back by Monday and with enough information to keep you all busy for a while. Thanks!

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Day 34: 365 Days of Motivation for Widows34

Posted on April 30, 2013 by

From The Holy Bible:

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Isaiah 41:10

When I have nothing to hold onto, I hold on to this. The great thing about scripture is that sometimes you read it and it will mean something different. The words don’t change, but how it affects your heart is what changes. This one remains something solid–something to lean on.

To me, this verse means that I am never alone. I have nothing to fear, no problems to bear because I always have someone there to pick me up.

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Day 33: 365 Days of Motivation for Widows

Posted on April 29, 2013 by

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.”  –Joseph Campbell

 

Whether your dream was the picked fence and 2 kids with the mini van and the handsome husband or the urban dream of living in Manhattan with  your lawyer husband or even living off the land after marrying a cowboy–this was never part of your dream.

Husbands and wives are supposed to raise children  and grow old together until old age silent steals one away from the other. This reality is far from that dream. It isn’t what you planned, but it doesn’t have to mean a life wasted.

This life is different, and probably harder than you had ever imagined a life could be. This life might be more of a challenge than you feel you can handle. Humans are resilient–able to meet intense challenges through dedication and hard work. Using their experiences, especially the difficult ones, to come back better, stronger, and more amazing than they knew possible.

This is where you are now: You can hold on to the life you had planned–the perfect life. Or, perhaps, you can accept that life is different, and allow yourself to see the new life that is waiting just beyond the fog.

 

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Day 32: 365 Days of Motivation for Widows

Posted on April 28, 2013 by

“The best way to guarantee a loss is to quit.”      –Morgan Freeman

We all wonder what twists and turns are waiting for us. We wonder if we will ever heal and move forward. It would be great if we could predict the future, but no one knows what will come our way.

What we do know is if we never try, failure is the only result we can achieve.

Way back, when I was 17 and a new mom, I struggled emotionally and mentally. To get through, I created a mantra of sorts. I had to do something to break my cycle. For me, it worked. I found myself repeating it constantly at first–as time moved on I needed it less. Over the  years I have created several mantras and I still use them, or pieces of them at times. My favorite mantra piece that runs through my mind the most is, “I have the perseverance to achieve my dreams…”. Sometimes I need a reminder that I am not a quitter.

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Day 31: 365 Days of Motivation for Widows

Posted on April 27, 2013 by

“Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

It would be easy  walk in someone else’s footprints–someone who has been there and paved the way. After all, they healed and have a nice little life. It would be easy for you to do exactly what I have done with the confidence that it lead me to a happy ending.

My path is not your path. You need to make your own path. No one’s path fits you except the one you create for yourself. It’s scary. You will often wonder if you are doing the right thing, headed the right direction. The answer is yes–you will do what is right for you.

Use the bits and pieces from the one’s who traveled before you, but make them your own. Choose what you are comfortable with and merge them with your own style and history to create something tailor-made for just you. No expert could do it better.

If you ever feel like you can’t do it alone or are not sure how to climb out of the dark hole, please seek help. There are plenty of people out there to help.  Social workers, support groups (going to start my own one day soon), psychologists, and psychiatrist can all offer you a shoulder to lean on, knowledge to learn from. Use their expertise and let them help you find a path that is just right for you.

No matter what path you choose or how long you stay on this journey, you have to know you are never alone. Someone will always be there to help you blaze your own trail.

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Day 30: 365 Days of Motivation for Widows

Posted on April 27, 2013 by

“Smile, breathe and go slowly.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

I know smiling might seem strange, depending on where you are on your journey. It feels fake at first, probably because it is fake. The more you heal and grow, if you continue to smile, it becomes more genuine and it feels so good.

Breathing seems automatic, but when we go through hard times, I think we hold our breath. Breathe.

Go as slowly as you need to. This is your journey.

 

 

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Day 29: 365 Days of Motivation for Widows

Posted on April 26, 2013 by

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”  – George Eliot

Having a baby at 17 changed my path. Suddenly college wasn’t on the radar and being a mom was. Everyone told me I’d never finish high school and that college would NEVER be an option for me.

We, as a family, went through hard times, there is no doubt about that. Our relationship took a major hit. We were so broke we often couldn’t pay utilities. We had rises and falls. The road was bumpy at times, but day by day we were improving.

Just as we thought we had it together, Randy was killed. Time for a new game plan. I found myself in between homes (we were in the middle of moving) with three children, no job, and no formal college education. Those were some incredible odds to overcome while grieving. And I felt the pressure.

All those words from so long ago were ringing in my soul and I knew I had to do something. I was 25 and alone, but I had to find away to make a life for my kids in the absence of my husband.

I harvested my dreams and all the gumption I could muster, and enrolled in school. Turns out my experiences with the death of my husband influenced who I was and my passion. During college professors encouraged my writing. They told me I had a talent for touching hearts and I should consider writing. I also discovered that I had a passion for people and helping others. This love I had for motherhood was carrying over into the lives of others and it felt good–no, it felt great.

Not only had I reached a goal that many thought I would never–or could never–reach, but I had found dreams to keep reaching for. I found confidence in skills I never knew I had. Together, it created a fire inside of me that has slowly grown over the last few years. I discovered a feeling of wanting to do more; I feel like I am not done yet–there is something more.

I have not only found the life I was destined for, but even more. Don’t be afraid to accept the experience for what it is–be willing to take the pain, the sorrow, and the growth. Be who you were always meant to be.

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Day 28: 365 Days of Motivation for Widows

Posted on April 24, 2013 by

“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.”
— Carl Rogers

Sometimes, it matters who someone is quoting. It doesn’t make the advice less meaningful if a city maintenance worker said it or the Pope, but sometimes, it can provide a sense of where the quote might be coming from–its direction of sorts. Carl Rogers was the creator of client centered counseling. Today, this is a widely used approach in the realm of counseling. He believed people were fundamentally good and wanted to do the best they could. He believed we all would like to meet our potential in life. 

Client centered means exactly that: therapy based on the client, not what the therapist thinks. He didn’t think of people as patients, but rather as participants in their own healing. Talk therapy is a large part of this theory or approach. Rogers believed that if a therapist could give genuine, honest feedback to their clients based on what the client shares with them, that the client’s problems would diminish (he didn’t believe people needed to be ‘cured’). Therapists or social workers treat their clients with complete respect, or ‘unconditional positive regard’. This in fact is the method of social work I learned. I am a natural for this field. I believe much of what Carl Rogers theorized–it is who I am, it’s what I believe.

I don’t know that everyone can be cured, (and yes I think some need to be) but I do believe that we all would like the best for ourselves. I think we all do the best we have with the life and tools we have been given–and if given better tools, we try to do better.

Too many times life hands us a situation, sometimes a hopeless situation, and we just stay there–as if that is our station in life, like we are just supposed to be there. I don’t believe any of us were meant to lead a life of just being or a life of indifference or a life of suffering. We don’t have to sit here and dwell and be. We need to stand up, dust ourselves off, and decide this isn’t it. There is more. We have more to see, more to do–more life to live.  Our direction is forward; we were never meant to sit still.

Carl Rogers never said you had to do it alone. We all have situations where we need help. Taking care of my grandparents is one of those. I could never do it alone. I have trouble doing it with help. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and the process seems futile. I don’t just sit on it though. I own the situation, the feelings, the struggles, and then, I keep going.

Aim your compass, and start moving in the right direction.

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Day 27: 365 Days of Motivation for Widows

Posted on April 23, 2013 by

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.”                        –Robert Louis Stevenson

Not every day feels like a success. I felt this as a widow, I felt this as a college student with three children at home, I feel this every day as a mother, and every day as one of the caregivers to my grandparents. Most days feel like utter chaos that I am not sure how to get through. I feel neglected, unappreciated, worn out, and unsure how to make it through the next day. I lay awake and worry about the things I have missed or the things that went wrong. I hope for better successes the next day–plan for better successes too. Often, those better days don’t happen. It may be weeks or months before I see any rewards for my work at all. When those rewards happen, it all comes back to me.

I remember I should not be keeping a daily total. The rewards do not come daily. The rewards, or my harvest, come sometimes in the most unexpected places and ways.

My rewards are:

-in the moment when I looked back at my healing path and realized I was making my own path and it was a good solid path.

- in my children watching me be sad and struggle everyday and still moving forward.

-in the moment when I walked across that stage to get my college diploma at 32 years old while my children watched.

- when my children come to me and ask how they can handle a situation/problem.

- when my grandparents are sad and weak when I arrive, but smiling when I leave.

- when kids talk about their early memories and there are few negative ones, even know they lived through plenty.

-when I see my children do or say something that I know I taught them, even though it wasn’t something they wanted to learn or it was hard to teach.

- when my friends tell me how strong I am or a stranger tells me how sweet I am with my grandparents.

-when my husband shares with someone else how much he appreciates what I do.

I planted those seeds. Sometimes it was unintentional. Whether we like it or not, even when we think no one is looking, they are. We have much to learn from the world and from others. We also have much to give. Keep in mind there is always something to learn, always something to give. Plant your seeds and watch.

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Day 26: 365 Days of Motivation for Widows

Posted on April 22, 2013 by

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.”  –Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Elisabeth Kubler Ross is the go to person for information on death and dying. She is the one who created the stages of death and stages of grief. Her opinions, frankly stated, are meant to inform and comfort people during the difficult time of loss. I’m not sure anyone could say it better.

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