Wow. I have to say, you all are devoted. Even though, my life and writing is on hold, you all still, faithfully, show up and spend time here. I am blessed and grateful.
This blog is all about storms and rebuilding. I am in the midst of another storm, or three. At least, that’s how it feels now. One is a rather large storm that won’t be going anywhere soon, mixed with a couple clippers, that I brought on myself, wrapped up in a series of short rain showers.
My large, lingering storm, AKA grandparents, is a tough one. My grandparents are falling apart at an alarming rate. It is almost happening faster than we can keep up with. One minute we are feeling relieved because we have conquered a piece of the puzzle, the next devastated because something else has happened.
Most recently, Grandpa was so weak he couldn’t stand and he talking gibberish. After a long night in the ER, we were really no closer to answers and his mind wasn’t clearing. They admitted him for observation and ran every test known to man. They found a UTI and a mostly clogged carotid artery on one side and a partial clogged carotid on the other. After 4 days in the hospital, most of the fog had cleared, but he was still weak and a little confused. As with all things concerning my grandparents these days, one problem is fixed, but another one still lingers. On top of it, it seems like grandma is continuing to fail at a shocking rate. I think some of it is loneliness, maybe some depression. Either way, it doesn’t explain everything. She just isn’t doing well.
This storm is only going to get more intense and challenging. And, I hate to think about it. This has haunted my nightmares more often than not since I was nine years old. For now, I get frustrated and I get tired. It is physically and emotionally exhausting, but I find time to sleep. Probably because sometimes it’s rather depressing and sleeping is the only time I am not thinking about it. Even then, sometimes I wake up thinking about it. I vent, a lot. I’m sure my husband and friends get tired of hearing the sometimes never-ending barrage of whining and complaining. Thank God they never let me know their frustration, because mine is all I can handle. Surprisingly, often I laugh. I laugh because my grandparents have few filters left on their speech or actions. In many ways, they act like small children. They throw temper tantrums, use wrong words when speaking, especially when frustrated, and often say or act inappropriately. This might seem strange, but to see it often reminds me of my toddlers. You can’t help but chuckle a little bit. And, sometimes, it’s either laugh or cry, so I choose laugh. One day, I know I will have nothing left, and there will be little more to do than cry. So, today, I laugh when I can.
We also had many bouts of kid sickness. Several of the kids had two rounds of antibiotics. Plus, I had a couple of rounds with viruses myself. Including the stomach flu that struck fast and furious Tuesday morning. That really makes life difficult. I sincerely hope through these illnesses that we have created an impenetrable immune systems because I am not sure how much more I can take.
I can’t control the above mentioned storms, big or small, but even the things I can control have taken control of me. I didn’t realize everything was going to fall apart, so I committed myself to plan the remaining parties for Nora’s preschool. Her Valentine’s Day party is the next week. There is one more to go after that, in April. If that wasn’t enough, I committed myself to a very large fundraiser for the baseball team. It’s a Trivia with silent auction. Both of these items (Valentine’s Day party and Trivia) will be done in February, which is both a frustration and a relief. From now until February 25, I will sleep little, and run a lot of errands, but hopefully will be successful in the end.
I also have started the road to freelance writing, which has placed some rather large commitments on me that I didn’t realize would happen. I am so grateful to build my dream, even if it is little by little, that I am more than willing to put in the time and effort to make it succeed. I’ll do more if necessary.
This might sound like one big complaint session, but it truly isn’t. I just wanted to explain, life is a little crazy. Definitely, crazier than I had planned. I haven’t forgotten his blog, nor have I quit wanting to help.
I am just a walking example of why I started this blog in the first place. I am dealing with my own storms. One of which is a constant storm, with a constant rebuild. The writing here might be hit or miss for the next few weeks, but being the loyal friends you are, I know you will stand by me while I weather my own storms. Once the small blips pass by, I will once again be able to write with past ferocity. Just like storms of the past, there is no way around these storms. I can only go through them and I know I don’t walk alone. I am sure these storms, like storms of the past, will leave me with many lessons and plenty to talk about. Thank you for the devotion, now and in the future.